Fat Jeans

"The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out."  ~Author Unknown

 As part of my Bucket List for 2011, I put down that I want to overhaul my room to make it look like an actual room and not someone that's been living out of boxes for the past 3 yrs. I don't know why I just can't keep my room cleaned. I'm a 34 yr old female slob. I don't think I'm a horder by all means I do throw stuff away. I just can't seem to be good at organizing. I can do that at work and at other things around the house when I put my mind to it, but I'm just stupid lazy when it comes to my room.

Anyway, my messy room is not what I'm blogging about. That'll be for another day. As I was filling up another bag of junk to be donated to a second-hand store I came across my massive collection of demin. It's not as massive as it used to be when I would put together Clothing Swaps. But I know that I have picked up another pair or two when I was in my fat stage and in the process of losing weight. So I decided to try some of them on to see what I can get rid of. I've gotten rid of all but one of the too small jeans (I keep that one pair as motivation to try to fit into it when I reach my goal weight). Lo and behold! I have two pairs of jeans that are TOO BIG!

This was taken by Vince when I was doing set up with Alex 2.11.11. Look how awfully saggy my butt looks in those jeans! I just actually looked at these pics a couple days ago and never realized how much weight I lost.

OMG! That's never happened to me before. For me, denim has either been too small or too worn out for me to get rid of. I took one of these pairs of jeans from a Clothing Swap 2 yrs ago cuz I wanted, no needed, a pair of decent looking denim that actually fit comfortably and not just fashionably. I was wearing one of these with leggings underneath due to the cold Chicago weather as added warmth while trudging the streets taking the bus and train. With the weather getting better, I can actually get rid of them. Holy cow! I can get rid of them!!! YAHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong tho. Yesterday when I was dropping the bags off to Goodwill, I did have to fight the strongest of urges to go dive back into those bags and retrieve my, "fat jeans,"  for the, "just in case I gain the wieght back," drawer (I'm in the process of getting rid of that drawer as we speak. It's a mental thing). I had to remind myself that I can't keep on looking back and to just move forward. It's the only way to get actually reach my goals. When it comes to weight loss, the healthy kind of weight loss, I need to focus on the now and not look back. I can remember how things used to be and how it made me unhappy inside. That should be enough to keep me going, right? So I didn't look back when I tossed the bags into the donation bin and walked away with my head held high and no looking back. Just moving forward.

2011...the year of giving thanks

I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom.  ~Author Unknown

Happy New Year everyone!

So after rereading my Bucket List on here and reposting part of it on my Facebook page as a note, I decided that the year 2011 will be my year of gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for and I don't feel as if I did enough of that last year. I know that I've taken things for granted, such as friendships and relationships with Vince and my family. Deep down inside I know that I need to give recognition to the people around me and make them realize that they are making a difference no matter what they do. There are 365 days in the year. I should be able to find that many people to thank, don't you think?

So, the first person that I decided to give thanks to is Vince.

He has been the greatest boyfriend in the history of all boyfriends. He has stuck by me through alot last year and he still continues to be there for his friends as well as my friends. He takes care of me and lets me lean on him when I need it the most, even when I don't realize that I need it. I honestly can't thank him enough, but I can at least try and promise him to be a better friend, girlfriend, and whatever he needs me to be for him.
I personally designed a thank you card at work to give him with some rare pictures of me and of us together from last year. He loved it.

Next up I thank my Dad.

 

 

My Dad tried to raise me the best way that he could after my Mom passed away going on 16 years ago. He is not a perfect man and shows his love for me in the oddest ways, but he loves me regardless and I know that if he could he would give me the world. I sent him a birthday card to thank him. Yeah, I know that his birthday isn't until July, but I've been holding on to this card for him for a long time and I keep on forgetting to give it to him. Better late than never right?

Anyway, that's it for now. Don't be surprised if I ask you for your mailing address. I might be thanking you at some point too :)

Bucket List for 2011

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."  ~Bill Vaughan

 Let me be honest here. I'm actually happy for this year to go by. Not so much bad stuff happened like 2009. 2009 I couldn't wait for that year to be done and over with. From health issues with myself and my family, being jobless to working part time at one of the most trying retail jobs I have ever had to work, and to losing myself in most negative aspects. Good riddance to 2009!

This past year, 2010, was actually not too bad. Don't get me wrong, I still had my moments of sadness. With the loss of my Grandmother, Becca's good friend Rodney, and other people.....I just wish I really had one more chance to talk for a minute to let them know how much they made an impact in my life and will cherish every memory I have.

I started this year weighing in at 172 pounds. I know that I still have 11 days left of the year, but I don't see myself gaining or losing weight at this point. As of this morning I am currently at 152 pounds. That's 20 pounds! Of course on the first day of the New Year I will start tracking it again. For now, I will rejoice and be happy that I actually accomplished something this past year. It took lots of hard work and some major overhauling in life changes, but I did actually accomplish something this year that I can actually claim as mine. I put my mind to something and I accomplished it. Woohoo!

I decided to not call this list a New Year's Resolution, but more of a Bucket List. It's a really long list and I don't expect myself to complete this all in the year, but I want to at least say that I accomplished or started something from this list and can still carry it over to the following year.

Bucket List for 2011

- really put myself on a financial budget and rebuild credit history

- cut hair (remember the broken comb and almost scalping from the bed frame) and learn how to style it

- get website/blog Artistic Avenger started up

- focus on artistic endeavors

- get a tattoo (at least one)

- learn to be a better friend as well as a girlfriend to Vince (cuz he deserves that much from me)
- get a passport and travel out of the country

-do more traveling in general

-focus on losing more weight and staying healthy

- run a marathon

- learn how to use the juicer and stick with it

-overhaul in bedroom (almost there!!! sort of...)

- learn how to knit

- learn how to dance

- learn how to sing again

- take more pictures of family (both mom and dad's sides of the family)

- take more pictures of friends

- take more pictures of strangers

- take another photography class
- picture journaling!
-recognize the amazing people around you and be thankful- continue to write letters often

- pick a day to reflect on the week and write it down or take a picture of how the week made you feel

- stop and breathe once in awhile

- learn to let things go physically and emotionally

- always find a reason to smile

At the end of the year I will look upon this list and figure out what I did right, what I did wrong, what I did to fix things to make it happen, and what I have to look forward to for next year.

So here's to a New Year everyone! Can't wait to see you all there :)

diet....shmiet....

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks." - Totie Fields


So last week was supposed to be my start of a new way of eating, exercising, and living. Yeah, that so didn't happen. Not that the whole week was me eating that badly.....ok I take that back. Eating homemade cream cheese frosting in the morning before going to work is not a healthy breakfast. Nor is eating cookies for lunch cuz there wasn't anything for me to make the night before except cookies. Nor is having my boyfriend go back to my house to grab my running shoes and to not run at all. I don't even remember drinking water last week. I think I've been drinking sodas, hot chocolates, and juices. No wonder I'm feeling so gross!

You see, I'm currently staying at my friend, J's house while he's gone on a month or more long trip around the country. He's left me in charge to walk his dog and feed the cat. Well, I gotta feed the dog too. And to just keep things in order while he's gone. His place is closer to work and I'll have the place to myself so I can pretty much do whatever, except throw lavish or intense parties. So I figured that this would be a chance for me to get started with the whole overhaul of eating habits and make some life style changes. Of course, it didn't happen that way.

The only excuse I can give myself is that I got waylaid. I did not get lazy, but I did get frustrated. Since I've been staying at J's house I never expected him to stock the fridge and cupboards with food. As granola and health fanatic that J is (he's got a juicer, several juicing books, fresh herbed teas, flaxseed and all these vitamins) he really left me in a slight bind. He left me with turkey burgers, but no bread. He left me with 2 things of frozen salmon, but no rice. I know this sounds like I'm making excuses and I could easily just buy the extra ingredients, but ever since my job change I've been experiencing lack of funds. I've been playing catch up with my bills and stuff since I started the new job in July. Now that I'm finally caught up and can rest easy with the next paycheck, I dont' exactly paid til this coming Friday. Again, it's all excuses, I know. But it's still frustrating regardless when I can't think of a solution right away. Even tho I grabbed food and other stuff from my place I still didn't have enough to do much of anything except bake.

I've also been hitting an emotional roller coaster of sorts. Good friends passing away as of late. Friends and family just facing tough decisions all around. It really sucks. I'm having a hard time coping with it all. Food has been a little bit of comfort, but I will honestly say that, besides the frosting binge, I have not lost complete control of my eating habits. When I bake, I share. I share to a point where my coworkers need to go on diets cuz I keep on feeding them.

So, here's to a new clean slate. Here's to another start. This time I'm going to stick with it. I've got to do the baby steps right now, but I am going to get there. And once I start there's really no stopping me except myself.

feeling fatty

"Stressed? Spell it backwards for the cure. (DESSERTS)" - unknown

Aren't there days where a girl just feels so damn fat? I mean, my clothes fit, but I don't think they fit right. I'm too super cheap to go buy clothes that do fit only cuz I keep on telling myself that I'm going to lose weight anyway. I've bought journals to track my progress, but I keep on putting it off for tomorrow, next week, or whenever stressful events die down. I just can't seem to concentrate on the goal here which is to lose weight and feel great! Do people actually believe that quote? I sure don't. I remember years ago when I did try to lose the weight I just kept on getting tired and sore. I never got that joyous, "oooooh I love that burning feeling!" in my muscles. Maybe I wasn't doing it right. I don't know. All I know is that right now I don't like what I see in the mirror and I want to change it. 

Let's face it, folks. I like food and I love to eat. I love to cook and bake and feed people. It's a great feeling to know when someone's tummy is full and happy. Shoot, I have a food blog called, Happiness Curve, for pete's sake. So now I'm in the process of cooking better for me and my loved ones. I'm slowly starting to cook and bake more healthier by switching to fresher ingredients. I'm shopping in those "granola" stores Farmers Markets more. I've even cut down on the coffee and soft drinks. I'm drinking more water and actually making my own drinks like lemonades, limeades, and will soon attempt juicing. I just don't like the clean up after the juicing. Don't get me wrong tho. I still indulge on the occasional gelato for breakfast and eat the cookie dough while I'm baking it. But I truly believe in balance so when I do those things I eat a heartier salad or become vegetarian for the rest of the week.

I started this year at 172 pounds. I am now at 160. I pretty much have the food down, but now I have to work on the exercise part. I'm fairly active. I mean, I love walking Becca's dog Simon. He's a great dog to run with, or in my case, to run for about a minute and walk fast the rest of the way. When I house sit for my friend Jonah I walk his dog Soco. I sometimes go into a forest preserve to take a long walk and I'm trying to be more proactive with going hiking more often. I dance around in my messy bedroom and kitchen when no one's looking to a point where I have to mop the floor from sweating. But I still can't seem to get rid of the blubberyness of my belly, the jiggle in my thighs and arms, and my awkward double chin to my chubby round face. I can't afford to pay to go to a gym. I don't even know if I would totally commit myself to going to a gym even if I was paying for it.

So now I decided to track my prgress through this blog. I'll still keep up with my food blog cuz I still love love love food, but I need to keep focused on myself and try to figure out why is it so hard to work out. Who knows? Maybe this will help someone else too.

trying to keep shining

‎"Why are we scared to die? Do any of us remember being scared when we were born?"- Trevor Kay

Oh Rodney. I so wish I got to talk to you one more time before you left us. It's been a week now and it's still not any easier. I know you've been in so much pain the last few months. The last time we talked I promised that Becca and I would see you one more time soon. Time just flew by too fast too late. I'm sorry for that.

Remember when we first met at that Albanian restaurant? They gave Becca a dish that was filled with raw onions so she and I traded so she can actually eat something. After eating the onion filled dish I HAD to get a dessert cuz all I could taste was onions. That lasted until the next day. Yuck!

Remember when we went to that Italian restaurant with Becca and Mary and there was a table by us that was so stinking loud we had to complain to the manager on duty? But then we got really loud at Cafe Orchid a few days later and had some people come up to us to say something.

Remember when we went to to Gogol Bordello concert? You got all that awesome footage with your camera. I got lost in the miasma of the mosh pit.

Remember when you were there for me when my aunt was just getting sicker and sicker from her cancer? You were so awesome to help me thru that. She still sick and will probably not get any better, but she's still keeping the faith that she could be cured and is still living life to the fullest. Just like you did til it got too painful.

Namaste good Rodney. You are missed, but never forgotten.

Happy Mother's Day

If roses grow in heaven Lord, please pick a bunch for me. 
Place them in my Mother's arms and tell her they're from me. 
Tell her I love her and miss her, and when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for a while. 
Because remembering her is easy, I do it everyday. 
But there is an ache within my heart that will never go away. 
And please tell her Happy Mother's Day. 

 This is me and my Mom on my 1st birthday.

I'm not too sure how old I am in this pic, but this is one of my favorite pictures of me and my Grandma.

I love and miss you Mom and Grandma.