trying to keep shining

‎"Why are we scared to die? Do any of us remember being scared when we were born?"- Trevor Kay

Oh Rodney. I so wish I got to talk to you one more time before you left us. It's been a week now and it's still not any easier. I know you've been in so much pain the last few months. The last time we talked I promised that Becca and I would see you one more time soon. Time just flew by too fast too late. I'm sorry for that.

Remember when we first met at that Albanian restaurant? They gave Becca a dish that was filled with raw onions so she and I traded so she can actually eat something. After eating the onion filled dish I HAD to get a dessert cuz all I could taste was onions. That lasted until the next day. Yuck!

Remember when we went to that Italian restaurant with Becca and Mary and there was a table by us that was so stinking loud we had to complain to the manager on duty? But then we got really loud at Cafe Orchid a few days later and had some people come up to us to say something.

Remember when we went to to Gogol Bordello concert? You got all that awesome footage with your camera. I got lost in the miasma of the mosh pit.

Remember when you were there for me when my aunt was just getting sicker and sicker from her cancer? You were so awesome to help me thru that. She still sick and will probably not get any better, but she's still keeping the faith that she could be cured and is still living life to the fullest. Just like you did til it got too painful.

Namaste good Rodney. You are missed, but never forgotten.

Here I come to save the day......

The crisis of yesterday is the joke of tomorrow. - HG Wells

So over the weekend it was Halloween. Becca and I dressed up as X-Men superheroes. Bec was Rogue and I was Psylocke. We went around the whole city with our zombie friend Tiffani, going to house parties, loft parties, clubs and bars. We didn't get home til pretty much 6 in the morning the next day. It was great fun to get a chance to be someone else for a night and not be me. I was Psylocke, the psychic ninja! I possess telepathic and telekinesis powers. I'm vicious with a kitana sword. I can fight and win over injustice and empower all evil things that go around me. Like I said, it was a great night!

Now, back to reality. Last Thursday, after working an 8 day stretch and a 10 hour shift at work, I'm on my way walking thru the tunnels of the building that I work in while reading my text messages. I received quite a few texts from my family saying that I had to call my cousin Robin's girlfriend Jennifer right away. I then noticed that I missed a few phone calls from my other cousin Jay's wife Aive. So I call her right away. As I'm getting into Vince's car, I'm talking to Aive and she's telling me that Robin suffered two strokes, one on each side of his brain. They are in the process of getting him on a Flight for Life to another hospital that specializes in stroke victims that's in Milwaukee (he orginally was in McHenry) and that the doctors were telling the family that things aren't looking good and that he might not make it. Vince, being the greatest boyfriend of all time, made the decision as I was losing control to drive out to Milwaukee.

During the drive I know I had to have been babbling on with stories of Robin when we were growing up. I know I must have been nagging him too to take better care of himself because I know that I couldn't bare to go through this with him. Then I started getting worried that Vince hasn't eaten dinner yet, he has to work early in the morning the next day, I forgot to make reservations for a birthday party for Vince at one of his favorite restaurants, I still have to finish getting stuff for my costume, OMG! Halloween.....how are we gonna do this???? He was very calm and told me that we'll come to it when it gets there. right now I need to concentrate on being strong for my family.

At this point I'm getting really tired of being strong for anyone. When Vicki died, I had to be strong for Aive. She was hurting the most. When my aunt in the Philippines died, I had to be strong for my Dad. He didn't even want to talk about it for a long time. Now that Becca's cancer came back, I had to be strong for our friends to make sure that they know that she's going to be ok or to start to nag her about stuff. When Wawa suffered her stroke earlier this year, I had to be strong for the family and help them get through this whole ordeal. It's a great pain in the ass to be the strong one all the time. When do I get a chance to be the weak one?

So, I've been driving back and forth, from Chicago to Milwaukee, this whole weekend. I was able to give my boyfriend the birthday party that he deserved and still went out to fight crimes and have fun with friends. Some time during my whole existence of being numb, mad, worried, sad, and losing control these past few days, I remembered that life goes on and that no one would want me to stop living. Even if it's for a day. Even if it's for a few hours. Yes, I had to be strong. Not because someone always has to be the strong one, but because I finally realized that life will go on regardless of what happens. It's up to us to figure out how we live it, regardless of the situation.

As of today, things are starting to look better with Robin's condition. We're still in this vicious waiting game, to see how much of Robin's memory and body function is gone. The doctors gave us some good prognoses. We just have to wait and see and go on his body's time clock for now.

I want to take this time to thank all the friends that have been there for me through out this whole ordeal. You guys are the greatest! Thank you for the prayers, happy thoughts, good mojo and juu juu, and just letting me text, vent, talk it out, and cry. You guys helped me out so much.

Fundraising restlessness

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." - Thomas A Edison

A little about myself since I really haven't put much in here yet. I live with one of my bestest friends, who has cancer. Her name is Rebecca (but we call her, Becca, Bec, Becs!!!! just not all at the same time).

The type of cancer she has is Colon Cancer. No, she is not over the age of 45, She was actually 24 when diagnosed. She is currently on chemo. No, she did not lose her hair. Altho it did thin out at one point, she does have the longest eyelashes ever! Because of this cancer she was forced to "give up" her colon in order to survive. No, she does not have an ostomy bag (a bag that collects poop out of her body). She has a K-pouch which is internal. It was made with her large intestine and she "flushes" with a tube that's inserted into her abdomen. No, it doesn't hurt her. But sometimes it can be a pain in the ass.... no pun intended. Money has been tight with her and her family due to this horrid disease. Her family and friends have thrown several fundraisers to help out. I, myself, have thrown a few fundraisers as well. Some have been successful, but the last one didn't turn out as good as planned. That was actually my fault from the get go because I had other things going on. But, that's another story that will be addressed at one point. Either way, I now want to put something quick together to help her out. I just haven't figured out what and where to do it.

Fundraising has been a passion of mine lately. I got laid off back in December, which really was awful on my own mental state. I felt useless and so depressed about the whole thing. It was so hard to try to find a job in the winter time, especially in retail. Businesses were laying off people left and right, or they put hiring freezes. What did I do in between looking for jobs and feeling sorry for myself? I planned fundraisers. I currently now have a job with Banana Republic as a Sales Associate in the downtown area of Chicago, IL. So I haven't thought of fundraising up until now. Bec had a setback last month that scared the hell out of everyone that cares about her. The best way to describe it is that she almost OD'd on chemo. One of the chemos that she's been on has an uncommon side affect that gives her toxicity of the liver, which made her lose weight, zap her energy right from under her, dehydrates her, it was awful to watch. She couldn't work, she could barely eat, she didn't even have the strength to take a shower. Now she's doing great cuz her powerhouse doctor took her off chemo for a bit. Just to give her body a rest. As she's enjoying herself by eating whatever she can (within her dietary restriction), drinking whatever she wants (one of the chemos gave her neuropathy which is sensitivity to cold), and being able to do whatever she feels the desire to do, I still can't help how her getting that sick hurt her and her family financially. I know that I really can't do much, me still receiving unemployment while working part time hours, but I can at least do this. So, I want to try to figure out something. Any ideas, feel free to drop them. That would be great.