Tuesday, October 20, 2009

self esteem check

"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have." - Doris Mortman

After a decent night's sleep I woke up this morning feeling better with everything. I feel as if I have a better outlook on some things. The problem that I've had lately is that I've been dwelling too much on stuff that I cannot change. For example, I can't change the situation that my Bec's or my Aunt's in. I don't have a cure for any cancer. I can't make my Wawa wake up one morning and start walking and talking again. I can't make some of my family members love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be. I just have to work on what I can do and find myself some happy again.

So, I started baking. I baked alot of good deliciousness. From cookies, to cupcakes, to brownies. I'll have to post pics of that stuff later. Quite tasty, might I add. I also started thinking of what I want to change in myself. That will have to take some more time, tho. There's a ton of stuff I want to do and work on to make myself a more happier person. Positivity is key, of course.

Anyway, here goes! More to come of course :)

Monday, October 19, 2009

Missing people

"Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard his call,
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I've found that peace at the end of the day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, yes, these things too I will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My Life's been full, I savoured much,
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free."

-Author unknown

This has been a year of lots of sadness for me. I feel as if I've experienced enough illnesses and death that should have lasted at least a decade. Cancer has been the worst of it all. I have friends and family that all have been affected by some kind of cancer. October being breast cancer awareness month, all I can think of is my two aunts; one from my mom's side and one from my dad's side. One aunt is still fighting for her life because cancer just can't seem to let her go. The other aunt is attempting to live her life to the fullest despite the change in her body. I'm currently living with one of my bestest friends that is suffering from complications of colon cancer. My grandmother is being tested for possible pancreatic or liver cancer as we speak. I lost a wonderful great aunt in the Philippines to pancreatic cancer. My cousin's wife Aive lost her beautiful cousin Vicki to leukemia. My cousin Vivien lost her best friend Celia to lung cancer. All of this has happened or is happening this year. All I can think of right now is when will it end? I need to get out of this saddening slump. I don't want to lose sleep or wake up feeling so sad anymore

Friday, October 9, 2009


"Only those who have dared to let go can dare to re-enter." ~ Meister Eckhart ~

My grandmother, whom I have affectionately called Wawa since I was five, suffered a stroke last April. After being in a comatose state for a few days she regained consciousness. Still, it wasn't the same. She couldn't breathe on her own so we opted to have her on a ventilator. This helped her breathe easier, but now she couldn't talk with out a valve inserted in its place. This procedure broke my heart because she was known for her singing. She would even sing when she talked. It was a beautiful sound. For awhile she's been doing great. She started to write when we couldn't understand what she was trying to say. Eventually she got to talk again with a PMV inserted in the ventilator's place. These were the days that me and my family cherished because she could talk and sing for a little while. This also meant that she was able to breathe on her own for a bit. She even got a chance to try eating again. It was great to see her drink from a straw and see her try some pureed food. Not the best things to eat after not being able to eat anything for at least a month, but still.... It was something. I was able to be with her a good portion of the time while she was hospitalized and then put in a rehab facility so I got to witness a lot. I was happy because I got a chance to spend time with my Wawa.

But as they say, good things also come with the bad. Wawa's health slowly started deteriorating when she got infections and pneumonia. These things were unfortunately uncontrollable. She became irate and very problematic for the staff that she had to be restrained. I hated seeing her like that, but there was nothing that I could do but try to keep her calm. Then family issues started arising when it came to Wawa's care so I was made to stop visiting her. Along with other things going on in my life at that time it pretty much broke me. She was transferred to another rehab facility in hopes that she would be able to go home and live with a family member. Since then she's been sent to a nearby hospital due to pneumonia twice. She's there right now and I can't stand seeing her this way. She looks so uncomfortable with the vent and being stuck in a bed for what seems like forever.

This is where I'm torn from letting go my Wawa and really letting her go. I don't see how she would want to live like this, on a ventilator, not being able to walk or talk or do anything. She's got to be feeling miserable lying there and seeing her family live around her. There is always someone with her some time during the day. My aunts and uncles take turns going there to keep her company. I go there when I know that there isn't a family member around so I won't get kicked out or anything. I feel as if I should be like them. Happy that she's alive, not well, mind you, but alive.

I get happy whenever I get a chance to see her. I feel so much love whenever she and I look at each other.There's this light in her eyes and I just want to stay like that forever. But then there are times when she looks at me and all i see is a wall. A wall of frustration and misery on her part. That look I've been seeing more and more lately from her.

I'm at a loss of words and ideas on this one. I want to be selfish and have her around for as long as I can, but she's not the same. And then there's the whole, does she want to be like this for the rest of her days, thought. All I know is that I don't know how to get that light back. I want it back so bad.