Wawa

"Only those who have dared to let go can dare to re-enter." ~ Meister Eckhart ~

My grandmother, whom I have affectionately called Wawa since I was five, suffered a stroke last April. After being in a comatose state for a few days she regained consciousness. Still, it wasn't the same. She couldn't breathe on her own so we opted to have her on a ventilator. This helped her breathe easier, but now she couldn't talk with out a valve inserted in its place. This procedure broke my heart because she was known for her singing. She would even sing when she talked. It was a beautiful sound. For awhile she's been doing great. She started to write when we couldn't understand what she was trying to say. Eventually she got to talk again with a PMV inserted in the ventilator's place. These were the days that me and my family cherished because she could talk and sing for a little while. This also meant that she was able to breathe on her own for a bit. She even got a chance to try eating again. It was great to see her drink from a straw and see her try some pureed food. Not the best things to eat after not being able to eat anything for at least a month, but still.... It was something. I was able to be with her a good portion of the time while she was hospitalized and then put in a rehab facility so I got to witness a lot. I was happy because I got a chance to spend time with my Wawa.

But as they say, good things also come with the bad. Wawa's health slowly started deteriorating when she got infections and pneumonia. These things were unfortunately uncontrollable. She became irate and very problematic for the staff that she had to be restrained. I hated seeing her like that, but there was nothing that I could do but try to keep her calm. Then family issues started arising when it came to Wawa's care so I was made to stop visiting her. Along with other things going on in my life at that time it pretty much broke me. She was transferred to another rehab facility in hopes that she would be able to go home and live with a family member. Since then she's been sent to a nearby hospital due to pneumonia twice. She's there right now and I can't stand seeing her this way. She looks so uncomfortable with the vent and being stuck in a bed for what seems like forever.

This is where I'm torn from letting go my Wawa and really letting her go. I don't see how she would want to live like this, on a ventilator, not being able to walk or talk or do anything. She's got to be feeling miserable lying there and seeing her family live around her. There is always someone with her some time during the day. My aunts and uncles take turns going there to keep her company. I go there when I know that there isn't a family member around so I won't get kicked out or anything. I feel as if I should be like them. Happy that she's alive, not well, mind you, but alive.

I get happy whenever I get a chance to see her. I feel so much love whenever she and I look at each other.There's this light in her eyes and I just want to stay like that forever. But then there are times when she looks at me and all i see is a wall. A wall of frustration and misery on her part. That look I've been seeing more and more lately from her.

I'm at a loss of words and ideas on this one. I want to be selfish and have her around for as long as I can, but she's not the same. And then there's the whole, does she want to be like this for the rest of her days, thought. All I know is that I don't know how to get that light back. I want it back so bad.